I didn't really have a complete plan in place for tonight. Well, not until this evening anyway. Obviously there was the pre-requisite:
Cheese and crackers +hummus because I love it
Tortilla Chips and salsa
Chips and Dip
Li'l smokies in BBQ sauce - I stick them in a small crock pot earlier in the day with
1/2 bottle BBQ sauce, 2 Tablespoons grape jelly, and a
generous sprinkle of my favorite spice, chili powder.
Then today I decided on:
Open face tacos - deep fry won ton wrappers then put your choice of toppings. I am
using ground chicken, salsa, guacamole, sour cream and pepper jack
Chicken parm snackers - Ritz cracker with a piece of chicken, dab of sauce and
cheese on top. You can use anything but I am using parmesan.
Heat in the oven 'til the cheese is melted.
Snicker doodle cheese cake dip - thanks TSG for the mix. I just added it to cream
but I am going to figure out a recipe for next time.
Bacon Dijon dip - 1 cup mayo, 1/4 cup dijon, 1-3 teaspoons horseradish, and 1/4 cup
bacon bits (I fried my own up. So much better. Mix and chill.
**I have sourdough pretzel pieces to go with those.
Chocolate pudding cups - put wonton wrappers in a mini muffin pan, spray with PAM
and bake on 375 for 5-10 minutes until lightly browned.
When cool spoon chocolate pudding in and shave chocolate
over top.
Triple+ chocolate cupcakes - Betty Crocker cake mix made up into cupcakes. When cool
cut the middle top out, put some pudding in, a dash of
Hot fudge or Hershey's syrup. Put the top back on and
frost with chocolate frosting, and grate a little
chocolate on top.
Approximately 2 hours of my time and not that bad on the budget.
Happy New Year!!!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
Evolution takes Faith!
We went to the Smithsonian yesterday for Rohanna's birthday trip. BTW, in my opinion, $112 for a trip for 6 to the Smithsonian, which is 2.5 hours away is pretty good if you ask me. We even came in UNDER budget by $9, with an over priced Starbucks stop, and a $5 Veggie Tales DVD for the trip home.
It was rainy, it was gross, the damp wetness made my whole body hurt, and my feet were soaked. It is all cool though. The kids loved it and the boys can never ever say to me again..."It's no fair. Rohanna got to ride the train and we didn't."
The first stop was the Natural Museum of History. EVERYTHING is evolution. Ok, I get it, so many umpteen million years ago.....Oh, yeah, it's HISTORY!!! Not a theory started by one very "enlightened" man who was bitter at the God who would take his daughter away from him. It's fact now.
It stuck me as they kept explaining away things that didn't quite "add up in their little box" how evolution takes faith too. You need to rely on a human being's say so that it really IS so. You have to believe that there truly WAS a speck of dust that just set this chain of fortunate events into play.
Either way, I am not trying to belittle anyone. Please don't take it that way. For me though, I would much prefer to believe that there is a divine being who was and always is, who just IS eternally, who cared enough to make me and everything around me, then to believe that there was a speck of dust that just always was, that started what is today.
It was rainy, it was gross, the damp wetness made my whole body hurt, and my feet were soaked. It is all cool though. The kids loved it and the boys can never ever say to me again..."It's no fair. Rohanna got to ride the train and we didn't."
The first stop was the Natural Museum of History. EVERYTHING is evolution. Ok, I get it, so many umpteen million years ago.....Oh, yeah, it's HISTORY!!! Not a theory started by one very "enlightened" man who was bitter at the God who would take his daughter away from him. It's fact now.
It stuck me as they kept explaining away things that didn't quite "add up in their little box" how evolution takes faith too. You need to rely on a human being's say so that it really IS so. You have to believe that there truly WAS a speck of dust that just set this chain of fortunate events into play.
Either way, I am not trying to belittle anyone. Please don't take it that way. For me though, I would much prefer to believe that there is a divine being who was and always is, who just IS eternally, who cared enough to make me and everything around me, then to believe that there was a speck of dust that just always was, that started what is today.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Another Review!! Hair Clippies
Ok, I am totally not planning this blog to be a review blog BUT I do have to give props on great things. I have probably tried every hair clip imaginable for Rohanna's hair. Her hair is so super fine nothing stays!! It is too short to pull all back in a pony tail but so long it is always in her eyes. My friend Maya has an Etsy shop where she sells hair clips. I didn't buy at first because, well, I didn't feel like wasting more money on things that won't stay in her hair, as much as I wanted to help my friend out.
I finally bought a pair to try and they ROCK!!! She hand makes them for each customer and mine have this rubbery grip on them that makes it STAY!!! I bought black bows with an underlining of red with black polka dots. So cool. I can't wait to try out some of her shaped ones, like ladybugs, snails, and Minnie Mouse.
When I ordered mine she made them the way I specifically requested and I had them within a week of ordering(shipped from CA). Even better was getting something hand made by her for a really great price.
If you don't have little girls, it is a great way to buy "pretty little things" without breaking your budget, for a friend's daughter, Birthday gift, or stocking stuffer.
Check her page out at http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/pages/Mayas-Bowtique/368534249686
I finally bought a pair to try and they ROCK!!! She hand makes them for each customer and mine have this rubbery grip on them that makes it STAY!!! I bought black bows with an underlining of red with black polka dots. So cool. I can't wait to try out some of her shaped ones, like ladybugs, snails, and Minnie Mouse.
When I ordered mine she made them the way I specifically requested and I had them within a week of ordering(shipped from CA). Even better was getting something hand made by her for a really great price.
If you don't have little girls, it is a great way to buy "pretty little things" without breaking your budget, for a friend's daughter, Birthday gift, or stocking stuffer.
Check her page out at http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/pages/Mayas-Bowtique/368534249686
Friday, October 29, 2010
Review: Beautiful Creatures
I was chosen to review the CD 'Beautiful Creatures'. This is a CD of kids' music. The main appeal is to a toddler to 1rst or 2nd grader. You aren't going to hear the same old "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" or "Row, Row Your Boat". I mean, how many CD's do you need to buy and be stuck with a million versions of those songs?
Instead, this CD will take you on an adventure with the sounds and flavor of South Africa. The musicians are from Johannesburg, South Africa, and the music is so authentic. It takes me to a place 10 years ago when Davide and I went to South Africa - the music, the voices. It is like being there in person. I can see big smiles on the childrens' faces as I listen to them sing. This CD has songs about African animals and my favorite, an African Lullaby. They also have 6 other CD's,more music about animals, a CD called "Beautiful Me" that deals with emotional things kids go through, a CD of lullabies, a CD about sea animals and conservation, and one about bedtime routines.
I was chosen to review Beautiful Creatures. Here is my review. There is so much more I could say about this CD but really, Do I want to completely spoil the experience for you as you get to explore it yourself?
Check them out on I-Tunes, . And while you may find it entirely too silly, I bet your kids will love it. My five year old who is incredibly picky about his entertainment absolutely loves it.
They are also on Facebook - "Beautiful Creatures". Let them know I sent you.
Instead, this CD will take you on an adventure with the sounds and flavor of South Africa. The musicians are from Johannesburg, South Africa, and the music is so authentic. It takes me to a place 10 years ago when Davide and I went to South Africa - the music, the voices. It is like being there in person. I can see big smiles on the childrens' faces as I listen to them sing. This CD has songs about African animals and my favorite, an African Lullaby. They also have 6 other CD's,more music about animals, a CD called "Beautiful Me" that deals with emotional things kids go through, a CD of lullabies, a CD about sea animals and conservation, and one about bedtime routines.
I was chosen to review Beautiful Creatures. Here is my review. There is so much more I could say about this CD but really, Do I want to completely spoil the experience for you as you get to explore it yourself?
Check them out on I-Tunes, . And while you may find it entirely too silly, I bet your kids will love it. My five year old who is incredibly picky about his entertainment absolutely loves it.
They are also on Facebook - "Beautiful Creatures". Let them know I sent you.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day!
I remember the year I signed a petition that I finally, sadly knew existed, to make October 15th a National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I remember the year it became official and watching the Senator or Representative who pushed so hard for it speak about why he wanted it passed. I still remember his voice cracking and the tears in his eyes as he spoke of the one they had lost in their family.
It saddens me that every woman doesn't know just how common miscarriage is and how many are afraid to speak of it because of that horrible awkward silence or the stupid "comforting" things people say because they don't think saying "I am sorry" is enough.
It saddens me to know of so many women whose loss is lessened by those around them because they never saw their baby, never held their baby, never watched them grow. I want to scream out that this life they lead is no fair. How dare anyone who has never been there feel less for the loss of the one who never got to feel that baby kick, see their heart beating away, hear "it's a ___", never got to choose a name, never got to hold that tiny warm finger, never heard that cry, never got to see first steps, never got to celebrate a birth, or maybe a first month or birthday.
Then, while she feels this way, wonders what she did wrong. Was it that cup of caffeine? Was it running? Was it that panicked thought of "Am I ready for another"? To feel like her body hated her so much that it rejected the little one she wanted so desperately. To feel that God is punishing her. To wonder if inducing just one day sooner would have made the difference.
Some days it feels like such a silent heart rending. Those around you tend to forget as it fades away or feel like you are "over" it. Maybe they feel like we don't want them to bring it up.
This is why we need Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. You may not understand how this mommy's heart attached all her hopes and dreams and love on her next little one in just a few seconds of that pregnancy test turning pink. You may not understand that the words "this is not a viable pregnancy" can hit and destroy like a hammer, as if you have lost someone you have loved all your life. You may not understand how the beautiful joy and innocence of pregnancy can be forever destroyed.
However, having a day that recognizes your baby's short life, whether it was a 6 week pregnancy, 39 weeks, 42, or just a few short months of life, is the best thing in the world for that empty space in time. Because no matter if the due date or the date of loss, or the birthday is forgotten by everyone else, there is ONE day every year that we are free to remember and honor those that some forget existed without the horrible awkwardness and fear.
It saddens me that every woman doesn't know just how common miscarriage is and how many are afraid to speak of it because of that horrible awkward silence or the stupid "comforting" things people say because they don't think saying "I am sorry" is enough.
It saddens me to know of so many women whose loss is lessened by those around them because they never saw their baby, never held their baby, never watched them grow. I want to scream out that this life they lead is no fair. How dare anyone who has never been there feel less for the loss of the one who never got to feel that baby kick, see their heart beating away, hear "it's a ___", never got to choose a name, never got to hold that tiny warm finger, never heard that cry, never got to see first steps, never got to celebrate a birth, or maybe a first month or birthday.
Then, while she feels this way, wonders what she did wrong. Was it that cup of caffeine? Was it running? Was it that panicked thought of "Am I ready for another"? To feel like her body hated her so much that it rejected the little one she wanted so desperately. To feel that God is punishing her. To wonder if inducing just one day sooner would have made the difference.
Some days it feels like such a silent heart rending. Those around you tend to forget as it fades away or feel like you are "over" it. Maybe they feel like we don't want them to bring it up.
This is why we need Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. You may not understand how this mommy's heart attached all her hopes and dreams and love on her next little one in just a few seconds of that pregnancy test turning pink. You may not understand that the words "this is not a viable pregnancy" can hit and destroy like a hammer, as if you have lost someone you have loved all your life. You may not understand how the beautiful joy and innocence of pregnancy can be forever destroyed.
However, having a day that recognizes your baby's short life, whether it was a 6 week pregnancy, 39 weeks, 42, or just a few short months of life, is the best thing in the world for that empty space in time. Because no matter if the due date or the date of loss, or the birthday is forgotten by everyone else, there is ONE day every year that we are free to remember and honor those that some forget existed without the horrible awkwardness and fear.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Cooking: Dinner and More
This is completely and totally random. I wanted to name my blog ramblings and randomness but they said it was "taken". How dare they!! Anyway, since I am not a fan of strange spellings that are grammatically incorrect to "make it work" I went "boring".
Ok, so, enough. I baked a pumpkin today. It was what they call a cheese pumpkin to be exact. Don't ask me why it is called that. The lady at the fruit farm said it's the kind most supermarkets use. She did warn me that making my own pumpkin puree would be difficult. Apparently she doesn't know I make my own tomato sauce, pasta, bread....you know, regular old Betty Crocker with out the pre-mixed packaging.
It was work but DUH!!! Several hours later I have the equivalent of 7 - 15 oz. cans of pumpkin and 2 cups pumpkin seeds for a fraction of the price I would have paid. Kieran wants pumpkin for dinner so pumpkin he shall get.
We are having Buffalo Salmon, pumpkin, and noodles for dinner. The way I make buffalo salmon is, as usual, not like the recipe, so this is my way.
Buffalo Salmon
1 pound salmon, skin on
1/4 cup hot sauce (today I am using Frank's sweet heat wing sauce)
1/3 cup panko
5 Tablespoons butter
Put oil in a shallow pan in the oven, which is preheating at 425.
Melt the butter and hot sauce together.
Once the oven is heated, pull the pan out and put the salmon on it, skin down.
Cut a few slits in the salon, pour the sauce and butter over it. (they say reserve 1/4 cup for dipping but it is hot enough without that).
Mix the panko with a little oil and spread over top the salmon.
Bake for 20-25 minutes (or until you feel it's done.)
Egg noodles - You know how to boil water and follow the package directions, right? Then add butter, salt and pepper.
Pumpkin
Take cooked pumpkin (recommend not canned puree)
Heat with butter and cinnamon and serve.
Ok, so, enough. I baked a pumpkin today. It was what they call a cheese pumpkin to be exact. Don't ask me why it is called that. The lady at the fruit farm said it's the kind most supermarkets use. She did warn me that making my own pumpkin puree would be difficult. Apparently she doesn't know I make my own tomato sauce, pasta, bread....you know, regular old Betty Crocker with out the pre-mixed packaging.
It was work but DUH!!! Several hours later I have the equivalent of 7 - 15 oz. cans of pumpkin and 2 cups pumpkin seeds for a fraction of the price I would have paid. Kieran wants pumpkin for dinner so pumpkin he shall get.
We are having Buffalo Salmon, pumpkin, and noodles for dinner. The way I make buffalo salmon is, as usual, not like the recipe, so this is my way.
Buffalo Salmon
1 pound salmon, skin on
1/4 cup hot sauce (today I am using Frank's sweet heat wing sauce)
1/3 cup panko
5 Tablespoons butter
Put oil in a shallow pan in the oven, which is preheating at 425.
Melt the butter and hot sauce together.
Once the oven is heated, pull the pan out and put the salmon on it, skin down.
Cut a few slits in the salon, pour the sauce and butter over it. (they say reserve 1/4 cup for dipping but it is hot enough without that).
Mix the panko with a little oil and spread over top the salmon.
Bake for 20-25 minutes (or until you feel it's done.)
Egg noodles - You know how to boil water and follow the package directions, right? Then add butter, salt and pepper.
Pumpkin
Take cooked pumpkin (recommend not canned puree)
Heat with butter and cinnamon and serve.
Monday, August 9, 2010
What I Wish I Said
I went to a school reunion a few days ago. Some of you will wonder why there was a reunion from 15 years ago - when I was in 6th and 7th, but it was the "high school" of conservative Mennonite schools - 5th-8th.
I was only there for 2 years but it amazes me it was that short. It seemed so much longer. None of this is for a bragging OR poor me moment but a reflection and encouragement-to those who have been bullied, for those who bullied, for those who didn't fit in, and more importantly, for those who are parents now to think of with their kids.
I was always the different one. The longest time in one school was 2 years. We moved quite a bit. We just moved before I started 1rst so I didn't even get to go to school with "all my friends". 1rst and 2nd, move. 3rd, 4th, half of 5th, move. Home schooled the rest of 5th, then this school, 6th and 7th. Incidentally, I was home schooled 8th - 12th, and based on my first 7 years, I truly didn't care. The first 5 years were much like the last 2 except in the first 5 I had no one I could count on, no true reason to look back.
What I wish I had said is below. Imagine I am speaking to a bunch of now grown up people, many are now parents like myself.
I was always a quick speaker but what many people didn't realize is that the words coming out were from thoughts running with lightening speed through my brain. Regrettably, I wasn't brave enough to speak up when maybe sometimes I should have.
"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words may never hurt me." I have no idea who started this lousy play ground saying but they were crazy. There is absolutely no truth to this. Sticks and stones MAY break a person's bones, but those wounds are seen and those wounds heal. Words carelessly and meanly spoken, not so much. An adult will more likely see those physical injuries but unless a child is a tattle tale (who wants to be known as that?) the adult will never know those wounds deep to the soul - four eyes, heifer, cheddar cheese. Ludicrous and hilarious? Maybe, but not to an 11 - 12 year old who wants to fit in and have friends, but instead is taunted every playground moment. I was the shortest, the new kid, the different kid, the "smart" kid. If it was different, it was me.
You may wonder why I came. Why I bothered to drive 2.5 hours each way with 3 kids to come to this reunion. It is because of the good, the girl friends I made, the good memories with them. The one place I left and didn't mind going back to was this group of friends. The beautiful thing is that these friends who I have seen once in fifteen years are still my friends, they still bring a smile to my face when I think of them, and even more so, now, when I see them today. It amazes me how easily we are able to talk and visit together with all the different paths we have taken.
I find it sad how vividly I can remember those horrible words and taunts, and who said and did those things to me. I have forgiven you but forgiving and forgetting isn't possible. Our brains are not made to forget. This is how we learn. Even funnier is that some of you who treated me the worst have or had no clue who I was. I find it so ironic that I can't forget but yet you don't have any idea the impact you had on my life.
As I look back over yesterday and see my today, I am happy for who I am and have become. Take it or leave it, I am me and for the most part, people get me. If they don't like me then at least no one's time was wasted and no one had to pretend.
I am sad because I have a son who is so much like me. I see the same things happening in his life and honestly? I don't know what to do. I try to think of me as a child and what I would want from an adult in my life but I am blank. I have seen things happen where he has been bullied but either he is oblivious or he is just taking it in and doesn't want to say anything. I don't want my son to go through the silent hell I did but I don't know what to do and I feel so helpless. He is so eager to learn, so quick to learn, so willing to be any one's friend,, and I fear that in his struggle to fit in and have friends he will keep his mouth shut when/if he is bullied, as I have seen already happen. All I want to do is protect him from the heart-ful of hurt I suffered, but I don't know how.
So parents, listen, watch, and teach. You never know if your child will be bullied or be the bully. Maybe, and hopefully, neither, and maybe someday, just like the day those girls rallied around me in a circle on a really tough day, your child will there for the child who is also having a really tough day.
I was only there for 2 years but it amazes me it was that short. It seemed so much longer. None of this is for a bragging OR poor me moment but a reflection and encouragement-to those who have been bullied, for those who bullied, for those who didn't fit in, and more importantly, for those who are parents now to think of with their kids.
I was always the different one. The longest time in one school was 2 years. We moved quite a bit. We just moved before I started 1rst so I didn't even get to go to school with "all my friends". 1rst and 2nd, move. 3rd, 4th, half of 5th, move. Home schooled the rest of 5th, then this school, 6th and 7th. Incidentally, I was home schooled 8th - 12th, and based on my first 7 years, I truly didn't care. The first 5 years were much like the last 2 except in the first 5 I had no one I could count on, no true reason to look back.
What I wish I had said is below. Imagine I am speaking to a bunch of now grown up people, many are now parents like myself.
I was always a quick speaker but what many people didn't realize is that the words coming out were from thoughts running with lightening speed through my brain. Regrettably, I wasn't brave enough to speak up when maybe sometimes I should have.
"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words may never hurt me." I have no idea who started this lousy play ground saying but they were crazy. There is absolutely no truth to this. Sticks and stones MAY break a person's bones, but those wounds are seen and those wounds heal. Words carelessly and meanly spoken, not so much. An adult will more likely see those physical injuries but unless a child is a tattle tale (who wants to be known as that?) the adult will never know those wounds deep to the soul - four eyes, heifer, cheddar cheese. Ludicrous and hilarious? Maybe, but not to an 11 - 12 year old who wants to fit in and have friends, but instead is taunted every playground moment. I was the shortest, the new kid, the different kid, the "smart" kid. If it was different, it was me.
You may wonder why I came. Why I bothered to drive 2.5 hours each way with 3 kids to come to this reunion. It is because of the good, the girl friends I made, the good memories with them. The one place I left and didn't mind going back to was this group of friends. The beautiful thing is that these friends who I have seen once in fifteen years are still my friends, they still bring a smile to my face when I think of them, and even more so, now, when I see them today. It amazes me how easily we are able to talk and visit together with all the different paths we have taken.
I find it sad how vividly I can remember those horrible words and taunts, and who said and did those things to me. I have forgiven you but forgiving and forgetting isn't possible. Our brains are not made to forget. This is how we learn. Even funnier is that some of you who treated me the worst have or had no clue who I was. I find it so ironic that I can't forget but yet you don't have any idea the impact you had on my life.
As I look back over yesterday and see my today, I am happy for who I am and have become. Take it or leave it, I am me and for the most part, people get me. If they don't like me then at least no one's time was wasted and no one had to pretend.
I am sad because I have a son who is so much like me. I see the same things happening in his life and honestly? I don't know what to do. I try to think of me as a child and what I would want from an adult in my life but I am blank. I have seen things happen where he has been bullied but either he is oblivious or he is just taking it in and doesn't want to say anything. I don't want my son to go through the silent hell I did but I don't know what to do and I feel so helpless. He is so eager to learn, so quick to learn, so willing to be any one's friend,, and I fear that in his struggle to fit in and have friends he will keep his mouth shut when/if he is bullied, as I have seen already happen. All I want to do is protect him from the heart-ful of hurt I suffered, but I don't know how.
So parents, listen, watch, and teach. You never know if your child will be bullied or be the bully. Maybe, and hopefully, neither, and maybe someday, just like the day those girls rallied around me in a circle on a really tough day, your child will there for the child who is also having a really tough day.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
9 years of no "Wedded Bliss"
As I was thinking about our anniversary I thought of the quote some people use about whatever year it is of marriage - "__ years of wedded bliss." When I look back over our marriage I sure wouldn't call it 9 years of wedded bliss. Neither, I believe, would my husband.
I don't think marriage should be wedded bliss. I mean, if you think of it, how fairy tale does that sound? And blah! Wedded bliss brings to mind everything being perfect, just floating on through life together, no arguments, no clouds. How realistic is that? I think that if you have had years of wedded bliss, someone isn't voicing their opinion enough, someone is being a doormat, and someone really, deep down, isn't truly happy.
I can look back over good times and hard times. I can remember some knockdown drawn out fights that, while I don't look back at them with pride, I do see how that shaped us and made us better. Better able to voice our opinion rationally because we never wanted to do that again, able to speak up sooner rather than steaming silently about it. I definitely wouldn't characterize that as wedded bliss. Losing our baby was another one. College, In-laws, family, losing our baby, moving, work, finances. These stresses all put hardship on a marriage, causing silence and fighting. Emotions go crazy, and sometimes in the wrong directions. By no means, wedded bliss.
However, through it all, the good times far out-weigh the bad. College graduation together, painting our first apartment, celebrating our children's births, seeing new places together, growing together, promotions, and simply waking up next to each other every day.
While I would never say I have wedded bliss, nor that I wish to, I AM very happy to say that I don't regret getting married at 19, I don't regret having children when we did, I don't regret where we have been or where we are going. I am happy for the good and the bad, and I am happy to say Happy Anniversary Davide. Thank you for being my husband, for loving me through everything, for being my lover, my best friend, my children's father. I love you.
And for the person who had suggested that I "date other people to make sure he was the one", I am glad I didn't waste the time when my soul mate was standing right in front of me.
I don't think marriage should be wedded bliss. I mean, if you think of it, how fairy tale does that sound? And blah! Wedded bliss brings to mind everything being perfect, just floating on through life together, no arguments, no clouds. How realistic is that? I think that if you have had years of wedded bliss, someone isn't voicing their opinion enough, someone is being a doormat, and someone really, deep down, isn't truly happy.
I can look back over good times and hard times. I can remember some knockdown drawn out fights that, while I don't look back at them with pride, I do see how that shaped us and made us better. Better able to voice our opinion rationally because we never wanted to do that again, able to speak up sooner rather than steaming silently about it. I definitely wouldn't characterize that as wedded bliss. Losing our baby was another one. College, In-laws, family, losing our baby, moving, work, finances. These stresses all put hardship on a marriage, causing silence and fighting. Emotions go crazy, and sometimes in the wrong directions. By no means, wedded bliss.
However, through it all, the good times far out-weigh the bad. College graduation together, painting our first apartment, celebrating our children's births, seeing new places together, growing together, promotions, and simply waking up next to each other every day.
While I would never say I have wedded bliss, nor that I wish to, I AM very happy to say that I don't regret getting married at 19, I don't regret having children when we did, I don't regret where we have been or where we are going. I am happy for the good and the bad, and I am happy to say Happy Anniversary Davide. Thank you for being my husband, for loving me through everything, for being my lover, my best friend, my children's father. I love you.
And for the person who had suggested that I "date other people to make sure he was the one", I am glad I didn't waste the time when my soul mate was standing right in front of me.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Thunderclouds and Rainbows
They say behind every cloud there is the sun or a rainbow, or something like that. Well, I have a thundercloud, and behind it is one of the most beautiful rainbows. Some of you know my cloud, some may not, but July 13, 2006, it was final. The surprise pregnancy we were so excited about was officially over 9.5 weeks after it began. It is a story over 1/4 the women in the world share with me - some in silent pain and others boldly wear it.
I chose to wear it - not boldly, but out loud. There are so many women hurting from the loss of a baby, whether from pregnancy, stillborn, or an infant, and somehow, many feel so trivialized. It isn't like we even knew these little ones, heard these little ones, some have never held them, and some have held them for a few short days or months. We don't have years of memories to hurt from. Years of beautiful memories. And that, is sometimes why we hurt so much. The dreams have no fulfillment. The arms ache from that body they never held, and ears search for that sound they will never hear. There will be no first step, first word, first day of school, no teenager, no wedding, no "only grand-babies this child could have".
Instead, each year passes silently by, often too silently for those who are recognized by no one. Mothers cry in a room alone, wishing that their baby got told Happy Birthday or remembered in some little way.
This is my cloud, and behind it, the most beautiful rainbow.
My rainbow starts when I met Lynsey and Cori on Baby Zone. Both had just delivered their precious sleeping babies. They have both become life friends, I believe, as we walked through loss, remembering, starting over, and now, all 3 of us have 2.5 year old children. Because of starting this journey at Baby Zone there are other women I met - at least 10 that I consider my friends-a few are Alisa, Cathy, Tracey, Mary, Sara, Kim, Sarah - and countless others who are in my life in some way or another. We all come from different walks, some have lost and others not, but they are part of that beautiful rainbow. The rainbow gets bigger when I think of my thread of friends on Baby Center. I went there for one thing, these friends, my sisters - Becky, Shannon, Tricia, Janet, Alisha, Brandi and Kari.
When I was laying in Room #14, in our local emergency room, I remember vividly a conversation I had with God. I know, some of you think I am crazy. I still get "wow" remembering it. "I looked at the ceiling, not expecting an answer, and said, "God, I trust you that my baby will be ok." He replied, "That isn't trust. Trust is believing that everything will be OK no matter what happens." I remember hesitating and thinking that if I actually said I trusted Him no matter what, I would be admitting it was possible that I was losing my baby. Finally, I said, "God, I trust You no matter what." His reply was, "Everything will be ok."
I remembered those words as the Dr. told me "this is not a viable pregnancy." Those words are horrible words. Ones that shouldn't exist. They are so cold and harsh.I was numb, I was devastated, but I still had this peace through it all, knowing that it would be ok.
My days still have some clouds but I am alright, and it makes me smile to know that, even with this cloud, there is a beautiful rainbow on the other side of it. I love you all so much. Each of you have touched my heart in your own special way.
This time, and this day is for Angel Hope, my forever baby. You are the reason we have Rohanna Elizabeth, and the reason for her name Rohanna (To know wisdom) and Elizabeth (God's promise). The amazing thing is, we had always planned to use Elizabeth for a middle name(I had anyway) never knowing its meaning. Rohanna however, was specially pulled together from the Hebrew language for our daughter.
I chose to wear it - not boldly, but out loud. There are so many women hurting from the loss of a baby, whether from pregnancy, stillborn, or an infant, and somehow, many feel so trivialized. It isn't like we even knew these little ones, heard these little ones, some have never held them, and some have held them for a few short days or months. We don't have years of memories to hurt from. Years of beautiful memories. And that, is sometimes why we hurt so much. The dreams have no fulfillment. The arms ache from that body they never held, and ears search for that sound they will never hear. There will be no first step, first word, first day of school, no teenager, no wedding, no "only grand-babies this child could have".
Instead, each year passes silently by, often too silently for those who are recognized by no one. Mothers cry in a room alone, wishing that their baby got told Happy Birthday or remembered in some little way.
This is my cloud, and behind it, the most beautiful rainbow.
My rainbow starts when I met Lynsey and Cori on Baby Zone. Both had just delivered their precious sleeping babies. They have both become life friends, I believe, as we walked through loss, remembering, starting over, and now, all 3 of us have 2.5 year old children. Because of starting this journey at Baby Zone there are other women I met - at least 10 that I consider my friends-a few are Alisa, Cathy, Tracey, Mary, Sara, Kim, Sarah - and countless others who are in my life in some way or another. We all come from different walks, some have lost and others not, but they are part of that beautiful rainbow. The rainbow gets bigger when I think of my thread of friends on Baby Center. I went there for one thing, these friends, my sisters - Becky, Shannon, Tricia, Janet, Alisha, Brandi and Kari.
When I was laying in Room #14, in our local emergency room, I remember vividly a conversation I had with God. I know, some of you think I am crazy. I still get "wow" remembering it. "I looked at the ceiling, not expecting an answer, and said, "God, I trust you that my baby will be ok." He replied, "That isn't trust. Trust is believing that everything will be OK no matter what happens." I remember hesitating and thinking that if I actually said I trusted Him no matter what, I would be admitting it was possible that I was losing my baby. Finally, I said, "God, I trust You no matter what." His reply was, "Everything will be ok."
I remembered those words as the Dr. told me "this is not a viable pregnancy." Those words are horrible words. Ones that shouldn't exist. They are so cold and harsh.I was numb, I was devastated, but I still had this peace through it all, knowing that it would be ok.
My days still have some clouds but I am alright, and it makes me smile to know that, even with this cloud, there is a beautiful rainbow on the other side of it. I love you all so much. Each of you have touched my heart in your own special way.
This time, and this day is for Angel Hope, my forever baby. You are the reason we have Rohanna Elizabeth, and the reason for her name Rohanna (To know wisdom) and Elizabeth (God's promise). The amazing thing is, we had always planned to use Elizabeth for a middle name(I had anyway) never knowing its meaning. Rohanna however, was specially pulled together from the Hebrew language for our daughter.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Memorial Day
As every year, I fought back tears as veterans go by in the Memorial Day parade. I think of "yesterday" and today - the World Wars, the Korean War, The Vietnam War, Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan.
I cried as I saw the old men, some of them looking at us, obviously honored that we were there for them. Some of the middle aged men had tears in their eyes. I imagined how some of them probably came home from Vietnam, only to be received with hatred, snubbed, and disrespected. I felt sadness as I saw the young people, teenagers, enrolled in programs that are preparing them to one day serve our country. I couldn't help but think how young they are to make such a decision. They aren't old enough to drink, or get married, but they can decide to die for their country - our country.
I imagined my child, grown, maybe being called to serve his country. It scared me. To think of my little one being older, making such a huge decision. It saddened me to think of my son having to go to another country, of maybe being one of those parents who gets that knock on the door.
I cried for the lives lost, the sadness, the pain. I am so proud to be part of a country who, whether we believe in "the cause" being fought for or not, stand for what it believes is right. That we have so many who are willing to fight for, and die for our country if need be.
Because of the sacrifice of those, I am grateful that I can go to bed at night, not in fear, but to restful sleep. There are many who cannot. I am free to believe as I wish, free to voice my opinion, free to dress as I wish, and free to vote, among so many other things.
We owe so much to those who are appreciated so little.
To all the soldiers, their wives, parents, grandparents, children, siblings, and friends, thank you. From the bottom of my heart. Thank you for your sacrifice.
May we never forget, these brave men and women stand for more then just a cause we may or may not believe in. They are human beings, giving their lives. May we honor them, and may we raise our children to honor them - to never forget.
I cried as I saw the old men, some of them looking at us, obviously honored that we were there for them. Some of the middle aged men had tears in their eyes. I imagined how some of them probably came home from Vietnam, only to be received with hatred, snubbed, and disrespected. I felt sadness as I saw the young people, teenagers, enrolled in programs that are preparing them to one day serve our country. I couldn't help but think how young they are to make such a decision. They aren't old enough to drink, or get married, but they can decide to die for their country - our country.
I imagined my child, grown, maybe being called to serve his country. It scared me. To think of my little one being older, making such a huge decision. It saddened me to think of my son having to go to another country, of maybe being one of those parents who gets that knock on the door.
I cried for the lives lost, the sadness, the pain. I am so proud to be part of a country who, whether we believe in "the cause" being fought for or not, stand for what it believes is right. That we have so many who are willing to fight for, and die for our country if need be.
Because of the sacrifice of those, I am grateful that I can go to bed at night, not in fear, but to restful sleep. There are many who cannot. I am free to believe as I wish, free to voice my opinion, free to dress as I wish, and free to vote, among so many other things.
We owe so much to those who are appreciated so little.
To all the soldiers, their wives, parents, grandparents, children, siblings, and friends, thank you. From the bottom of my heart. Thank you for your sacrifice.
May we never forget, these brave men and women stand for more then just a cause we may or may not believe in. They are human beings, giving their lives. May we honor them, and may we raise our children to honor them - to never forget.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Food
Well, I am doing a little better. It hasn't been a month between posts this time.
I LOVE to cook. Now if only we didn't have to clean up afterward.
Last night Dave and I were up until 11 making homemade pasta. Amazing how many hours it takes to make it and how fast it disappears.
Today I made meatballs. THE.BEST.MEATBALLS.I.HAVE.EVER.MADE. EVER! I usually eat one and the first bite is yummy but after that I couldn't care less. Not today. These meatballs were melt in your mouth yummy. Hopefully the batch I made for someone else turned out as good.
It made me think though. Will I ever be able to make them that good again? That's the bad thing about not following a recipe. I throw in a little of this, a little of that and there you go. I can somewhat recreate it but never completely. Was that 3 mushrooms or 6? Two garlic cloves or 3? How BIG were the garlic cloves? *Sigh*.
Will I ever have the best meatball EVER, ever again? I hope so. I really need to start jotting down what I put in as I add it. After the meal I need to make comments on the same paper, then tweak it every time I make it until it is just right.
I say that every time. Think I learn?
I LOVE to cook. Now if only we didn't have to clean up afterward.
Last night Dave and I were up until 11 making homemade pasta. Amazing how many hours it takes to make it and how fast it disappears.
Today I made meatballs. THE.BEST.MEATBALLS.I.HAVE.EVER.MADE. EVER! I usually eat one and the first bite is yummy but after that I couldn't care less. Not today. These meatballs were melt in your mouth yummy. Hopefully the batch I made for someone else turned out as good.
It made me think though. Will I ever be able to make them that good again? That's the bad thing about not following a recipe. I throw in a little of this, a little of that and there you go. I can somewhat recreate it but never completely. Was that 3 mushrooms or 6? Two garlic cloves or 3? How BIG were the garlic cloves? *Sigh*.
Will I ever have the best meatball EVER, ever again? I hope so. I really need to start jotting down what I put in as I add it. After the meal I need to make comments on the same paper, then tweak it every time I make it until it is just right.
I say that every time. Think I learn?
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Dishes in the Tub Kind of Day
What? Don't tell me. You've never heard of "dishes in the tub"? Well, I have lived in many places. Most of them, because of spacial issues(a.k.a. too little space), do not have much counter space. I mean, we are talking MINISCULE. I have about 2 feet of use-able counter space. I have no dishwasher, nor is there space for one. I am also not a dishwasher. (Read, my husband does most the dishes when he has time.) Well, he is insanely busy at work this week and I have been insanely busy and we have 3 days of dishes piled up. With a family of 5 that is ALOT of dishes.
What I discovered the other year is that if you put your dishes and bowls(no silverware, cups, or sharp knives) in a clean tub, fill with hot soapy water, and let sit, it is much easier to wash dishes.
They sit there while I wash a few dishes in the kitchen, PRETENDING I am almost done. It is so much easier to wash dishes without a pile threatening to topple over on you. While the dishes soak in the bathroom I wash the cups and silverware. Once they are dry I start bringing piles of dishes to the kitchen. Much easier to wash after they have soaked!!!
Only problem? I want to take a shower and the dishes aren't done. *SIGH*. And after they ARE done I will have to clean the tub.
My husband will be happy though. He won't have to wash dishes and his wife will look (and smell) much better.
Oh, and one last tip? Soak the silverware in a pan of hot soapy water. Loosens anything stuck to the silver and soaks the pan, all at once. :)
What I discovered the other year is that if you put your dishes and bowls(no silverware, cups, or sharp knives) in a clean tub, fill with hot soapy water, and let sit, it is much easier to wash dishes.
They sit there while I wash a few dishes in the kitchen, PRETENDING I am almost done. It is so much easier to wash dishes without a pile threatening to topple over on you. While the dishes soak in the bathroom I wash the cups and silverware. Once they are dry I start bringing piles of dishes to the kitchen. Much easier to wash after they have soaked!!!
Only problem? I want to take a shower and the dishes aren't done. *SIGH*. And after they ARE done I will have to clean the tub.
My husband will be happy though. He won't have to wash dishes and his wife will look (and smell) much better.
Oh, and one last tip? Soak the silverware in a pan of hot soapy water. Loosens anything stuck to the silver and soaks the pan, all at once. :)
Monday, March 29, 2010
My Trip to NYC
I know some people likely thought I was crazy, taking a 5 hour train ride to NYC to meet AND share a hotel room, with people I had never met in real life. Maybe if it wasn't myself, but a close friend doing so, I possibly would have thought the same thing. I worked pretty darn hard the last few months, earning the money for this trip. It was amazing, holding the cash in my hand to go on this trip, knowing I hadn't cheated my family out of something by going. I know that may only make sense to me but that's ok.
Thanks to my family for not telling me I was insane. We all have pretty big mouths and generally no one is afraid to tell the other if they are making a horrible mistake. I fully expected trepidation and doom to escape their mouths but it didn't. You see, I knew I wasn't making a mistake. In fact, it was one of the best things that has happened in a long time. As you read this, you may sometimes wonder how I can say it was so great. I warn you, I am pouring my heart out and being quite transparent. This will be long because this is something I need to do for me.
I was going to meet someone who I owe so much to and could never possible repay, some one who I met in one of the darkest moments of my life, and then proceeded to walk with her through one of my brightest moments, someone who teaches me constantly that a soft answer DOES turn away anger, someone whose political and religious views tend to be quite opposite mine, but in all reality, I see a lot of myself in her, and to meet other women who were icing on the cake.
My sister asked me if I was nervous the day before I left. I asked her what I was suppose to be nervous about. I seriously had no clue. I wasn't nervous until the evening before. Thoughts of, will I be good enough, will they like me in person, will I be comfortable around these "strangers"?
My trip went incredibly smooth, shorter then planned, even though I started an hour late due to the fact that the credit card we pulled out for this expedition(safety with less cash, and not wanting to risk our bank card being stolen), hadn't been used in well over a year, and my over-cautious self that checked and re-checked the expiration date failed to see the card had expired 11 months ago. It's 2010??? For real??? Thanks to my brother and my dad going out of their way and bringing me money, I had enough for my trip. They were even nicer then usual, not pointing out my stupidity, and my brother bought me Starbucks!
At train station #5 I anxiously waited for Alisa to pick me up. ACK!! What was I doing? Would this be awkward? Nope, when she pulled up I couldn't help but smile, she was exactly like I pictured, and we started talking almost immediately. We got to the hotel where I met Cori, the "girl" I have known through the worst moments of our lives, and now some of the best. I know, some of you are saying "Thank God she wasn't an ax murderer" lol.
That evening we met more lovely women as they arrived. We had fun over pizza and cannoli. We stayed up way too late but went to bed happy to have spent time together.
The next day we hung out and met another women who arrived from California, with her kids - brave woman doing the red-eye with 3 little ones. Then Alisa and I went to pick up the sweetest ray of sunshine - Mary, and her daughter.(This woman also happens to make the most amazing hats.)
It was great getting to know Alisa better on the way there and both of them on the way back. In the evening we went out for Chinese food, which is where the learning lessons start. It was quite humbling to have someone else take the bill for the whole group yet again. I hated that I couldn't do the same thing. My pride is one of my weaknesses:(. That started the whole train of what comes next.
We got back to the hotel later that evening, with even more cannoli AND cheesecake ahead of us. I had handled cannoli well the night before and these ones were smaller so I had 2 delicious authentic cannoli and an itty bitty slice of cheesecake, way too late at night. I fell asleep around midnight but woke up an hour later, sicker then you want to know.
I spent the rest of the night in the bathroom, so sick, and at that point, just wanting to be home. The next morning I had to make the decision to head home early, fore-going the trip to NYC with everyone. One of the things I anticipated most. My insecurity assumed that no one would want me around, that they would be more worried that I actually had a virus rather then the fact that my food had simply not agreed with me. Well, Cori was really sweet and hurried to get all ready and took me to the station. I felt better right away(isn't that how it always is??)
When I got to Penn I grabbed a bagel and after that stayed down without a queasy stomach, I decided to meet up with everyone when they got to the city. Well, I had an hour and a half before they would be there and way too much time to think. I really started doubting whether they really wanted me there, whether I was fun enough, etc. Were they talking about how they didn't want me to stay because they were afraid I had a virus and would get them sick? Add to that the lack of sleep, and I was a mess.
Then, if you have never been to NY Penn station.....it is horrible. There is nowhere to sit unless you have a ticket and are waiting for the train, so I found a spot to sit in against the wall in the corrider, like other people were. I shoved my purse behind me so no one could see it and sat on my back pack. Some guy came over and asked me for $.50. I just shook my head and said sorry. He tried peering behind me, so apparently he knew I had my purse back there. Thankfully he went off without a fight. I am a people watcher by nature so it was interesting sitting there. It was also scary. I watched all these people walking through, their eyes darting as they looked for a victim. No, I am not making assumptions or stereotypes. I saw and heard many people muttering crazy things to themselves, many of them most likely were homeless, and many of them not completely coherent, whether drunk or crazy, I don't know. It made me sad.
A couple that I will presume was homeless decided to make their seat next to me. I noticed he walked off and came back with a beer. Well, a little later I saw him meander across the corrider again, and this time I noticed that the Taco Bell stand had already stocked their end cap with ice, soda, and beer. Don't ask me why they can sell beer when there are signs all over NY Penn that you can't drink beer in the station. And don't ask me why there was no one there to WATCH their products so they didn't grow legs. Well, after beer number 2, this couple decided to move locations, They had eyed me a few times before that and I realized after they saw that I had noticed his new "freebie" is when they decided to head on out. Don't judge me for not saying anything to them. I suffered a little guilt over it but there was no one at Taco Bell to mention it to and it definitely would have been dangerous to confront this man. He was quite obviously a little dangerous looking.
No sooner did they leave then this crazy lady walked up. She started yelling horrible things throughout the station then proceeded to mutter my way. She said "I hope you know sign language b****. You know why? Because I am going to punch a hole in your face, and when I am done with you, you will never talk again." I was in a bad spot. I was sitting on my back pack, purse behind me, watching her out of the corner of my eye. When she turned around and started ranting to the rest of the station again, I moved position and grabbed my things. She turned again and repeated what she had said to me before. A station employee walked by and said "Ignore her." I kind of nervously laughed and said, "Oh trust me, I am." Again, she turned to the rest of the corrider, ranting. I stood as fast as I could and walked off - SCARED OUT OF MY MIND!!!!
With all the thoughts that had been running through my mind, and finally this last "threat", I had had enough. Close to tears I called Alisa and said I was headed home. I was so sad, so tired, and I just couldn't take 45 more minutes in the station. I fought tears as I went down the elevator to a train 15 minutes later and started my journey home.
It went smoothly and my husband drove into the city to keep me from having to wait for an hour in the Philadelphia Station until I could catch the last 25 minute leg home. I was so grateful.
I met some amazing women. I am so thankful to have them in my life. They come from every part of the Unites States, every religion, every walk of life, and every political view, yet our friendship is the glue that helps us see past the differences to the "alike-ness". I learned that the insecurities I thought I had put behind me are still there, looming, and that I will always have to deal with them. And this time, instead of trying to hide my flaws from my friends, I am going to be open. This is who I am and the mask isn't going to hide that.
Thank you ladies for all you have done for me. I could never re-pay you, but hope you know that no matter what, I am here to offer what I can - an ear, a hug, and friendship.
Thanks to my family for not telling me I was insane. We all have pretty big mouths and generally no one is afraid to tell the other if they are making a horrible mistake. I fully expected trepidation and doom to escape their mouths but it didn't. You see, I knew I wasn't making a mistake. In fact, it was one of the best things that has happened in a long time. As you read this, you may sometimes wonder how I can say it was so great. I warn you, I am pouring my heart out and being quite transparent. This will be long because this is something I need to do for me.
I was going to meet someone who I owe so much to and could never possible repay, some one who I met in one of the darkest moments of my life, and then proceeded to walk with her through one of my brightest moments, someone who teaches me constantly that a soft answer DOES turn away anger, someone whose political and religious views tend to be quite opposite mine, but in all reality, I see a lot of myself in her, and to meet other women who were icing on the cake.
My sister asked me if I was nervous the day before I left. I asked her what I was suppose to be nervous about. I seriously had no clue. I wasn't nervous until the evening before. Thoughts of, will I be good enough, will they like me in person, will I be comfortable around these "strangers"?
My trip went incredibly smooth, shorter then planned, even though I started an hour late due to the fact that the credit card we pulled out for this expedition(safety with less cash, and not wanting to risk our bank card being stolen), hadn't been used in well over a year, and my over-cautious self that checked and re-checked the expiration date failed to see the card had expired 11 months ago. It's 2010??? For real??? Thanks to my brother and my dad going out of their way and bringing me money, I had enough for my trip. They were even nicer then usual, not pointing out my stupidity, and my brother bought me Starbucks!
At train station #5 I anxiously waited for Alisa to pick me up. ACK!! What was I doing? Would this be awkward? Nope, when she pulled up I couldn't help but smile, she was exactly like I pictured, and we started talking almost immediately. We got to the hotel where I met Cori, the "girl" I have known through the worst moments of our lives, and now some of the best. I know, some of you are saying "Thank God she wasn't an ax murderer" lol.
That evening we met more lovely women as they arrived. We had fun over pizza and cannoli. We stayed up way too late but went to bed happy to have spent time together.
The next day we hung out and met another women who arrived from California, with her kids - brave woman doing the red-eye with 3 little ones. Then Alisa and I went to pick up the sweetest ray of sunshine - Mary, and her daughter.(This woman also happens to make the most amazing hats.)
It was great getting to know Alisa better on the way there and both of them on the way back. In the evening we went out for Chinese food, which is where the learning lessons start. It was quite humbling to have someone else take the bill for the whole group yet again. I hated that I couldn't do the same thing. My pride is one of my weaknesses:(. That started the whole train of what comes next.
We got back to the hotel later that evening, with even more cannoli AND cheesecake ahead of us. I had handled cannoli well the night before and these ones were smaller so I had 2 delicious authentic cannoli and an itty bitty slice of cheesecake, way too late at night. I fell asleep around midnight but woke up an hour later, sicker then you want to know.
I spent the rest of the night in the bathroom, so sick, and at that point, just wanting to be home. The next morning I had to make the decision to head home early, fore-going the trip to NYC with everyone. One of the things I anticipated most. My insecurity assumed that no one would want me around, that they would be more worried that I actually had a virus rather then the fact that my food had simply not agreed with me. Well, Cori was really sweet and hurried to get all ready and took me to the station. I felt better right away(isn't that how it always is??)
When I got to Penn I grabbed a bagel and after that stayed down without a queasy stomach, I decided to meet up with everyone when they got to the city. Well, I had an hour and a half before they would be there and way too much time to think. I really started doubting whether they really wanted me there, whether I was fun enough, etc. Were they talking about how they didn't want me to stay because they were afraid I had a virus and would get them sick? Add to that the lack of sleep, and I was a mess.
Then, if you have never been to NY Penn station.....it is horrible. There is nowhere to sit unless you have a ticket and are waiting for the train, so I found a spot to sit in against the wall in the corrider, like other people were. I shoved my purse behind me so no one could see it and sat on my back pack. Some guy came over and asked me for $.50. I just shook my head and said sorry. He tried peering behind me, so apparently he knew I had my purse back there. Thankfully he went off without a fight. I am a people watcher by nature so it was interesting sitting there. It was also scary. I watched all these people walking through, their eyes darting as they looked for a victim. No, I am not making assumptions or stereotypes. I saw and heard many people muttering crazy things to themselves, many of them most likely were homeless, and many of them not completely coherent, whether drunk or crazy, I don't know. It made me sad.
A couple that I will presume was homeless decided to make their seat next to me. I noticed he walked off and came back with a beer. Well, a little later I saw him meander across the corrider again, and this time I noticed that the Taco Bell stand had already stocked their end cap with ice, soda, and beer. Don't ask me why they can sell beer when there are signs all over NY Penn that you can't drink beer in the station. And don't ask me why there was no one there to WATCH their products so they didn't grow legs. Well, after beer number 2, this couple decided to move locations, They had eyed me a few times before that and I realized after they saw that I had noticed his new "freebie" is when they decided to head on out. Don't judge me for not saying anything to them. I suffered a little guilt over it but there was no one at Taco Bell to mention it to and it definitely would have been dangerous to confront this man. He was quite obviously a little dangerous looking.
No sooner did they leave then this crazy lady walked up. She started yelling horrible things throughout the station then proceeded to mutter my way. She said "I hope you know sign language b****. You know why? Because I am going to punch a hole in your face, and when I am done with you, you will never talk again." I was in a bad spot. I was sitting on my back pack, purse behind me, watching her out of the corner of my eye. When she turned around and started ranting to the rest of the station again, I moved position and grabbed my things. She turned again and repeated what she had said to me before. A station employee walked by and said "Ignore her." I kind of nervously laughed and said, "Oh trust me, I am." Again, she turned to the rest of the corrider, ranting. I stood as fast as I could and walked off - SCARED OUT OF MY MIND!!!!
With all the thoughts that had been running through my mind, and finally this last "threat", I had had enough. Close to tears I called Alisa and said I was headed home. I was so sad, so tired, and I just couldn't take 45 more minutes in the station. I fought tears as I went down the elevator to a train 15 minutes later and started my journey home.
It went smoothly and my husband drove into the city to keep me from having to wait for an hour in the Philadelphia Station until I could catch the last 25 minute leg home. I was so grateful.
I met some amazing women. I am so thankful to have them in my life. They come from every part of the Unites States, every religion, every walk of life, and every political view, yet our friendship is the glue that helps us see past the differences to the "alike-ness". I learned that the insecurities I thought I had put behind me are still there, looming, and that I will always have to deal with them. And this time, instead of trying to hide my flaws from my friends, I am going to be open. This is who I am and the mask isn't going to hide that.
Thank you ladies for all you have done for me. I could never re-pay you, but hope you know that no matter what, I am here to offer what I can - an ear, a hug, and friendship.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Cleaning Day 2 (Day 1 was nothing)
Day 2 of cleaning. I woke up this AM with a terrible hacking cough, stuffed up nose, pounding head, and just feeling miserable. You know, a stay in bed day. I anticipated a 4.5 hour day to finish off my deep clean job. Sherwin Williams kindly offered me the use of their in-store 4 ft. ladder so I wouldn't need to pay $65 for something I only needed for one day.
I got to the job at 7:30 AM. Great!! Early start, early finish. I hauled my one million and ten cleaning supplies in, dreading the 9 blinds still awaiting me. I started on the hallway blind, going over each slat one by one with a wet paper towel-TEDIOUS!!! I decided at that point I was going to ATTEMPT to clean the kitchen blind, which was smaller, in the bathtub, like everything suggests you do(This is why people only charge $29 for a houseful of mini blinds, I will assume). MESS, MESS, MESS....and in my opinion, it didn't clean so hot either. Nowhere near as good as my painstaking slat by slat routine that was slowly killing all muscles and joints in my arms.
I took a break and started back on the master shower that I hadn't been able to finish the day before, as I had run out of a certain cleaning supply. QUICK TIP: for an exceptionally scummy shower use Lysol Deep Reach or lime and rust toilet bowl cleaner. Squeeze on, use a scrub brush to lightly work it in, then let sit 20 minutes. When you go over it with a rag it comes off like a charm.
Back to work on the blinds, I decide to take the dining room blind DOWN to clean it on the floor. Great, it only took 30 minutes versus 1 hour. Climb my ladder to put it back up. As it snaps back into the runner the bottom swings out and I look down as in slow motion this beautiful blue wine glass starts teetering. I held my breath as I moved towards it, praying I would catch it in time. Just as it looked like all would end well, with a final second, it shattered.
I did the professional thing and called the homeowner. At this point I was somewhat unprofessional as I was close to tears and trying to fight them back. I offered to pay for it and she insisted that no, I didn't need to as she has broken one already and they had them for 8 years. I felt HORRIBLE. Mind you, this is after yesterday where I needed to call her and let her know that her toilet seat somehow snapped off in my hand. (She had forgotten to tell me it was broken.)
Fast forward to 3:30 PM. I am rushing, trying to get everything accomplished by 5 PM. Ran out to the car to get my mop bucket, checking to make sure the door wasn't locked behind me. Apparently I pulled it shut from habit, and apparently it is one of the doors that even though it is locked from the outside you can still go out it...you just can't get back IN it.
Lovely....just lovely. I was wearing bummy clothes because I didn't intend to see anyone and was working with bleach. Like, clothes NO ONE sees me in....EVER. My hair was a mess all over the place, and, even worse, I was SHOELESS. I was ready to mop the floor so I took my shoes off a few minutes earlier. I ran around the house, looking for an unlocked window. The ground was SOPPING wet from the nice weather(read 40 degrees) we have had the last few days. Of course!!! No unlocked windows. I locked them as I cleaned them. GENIUS!!!
My last ditch effort was to run to the neighbor's house. My phone, keys, EVERYTHING, was inside and I had no way to contact the owner at this point. Of course, they don't know their neighbors so I called my husband to see if he could help me brainstorm....oh, out of the store for 15 minutes.
Well, I spied the realty sign in the homeowner's yard with a phone number on it. That's right, there is a lock box on the door!!! Decided maybe I could call them, they could call the owner and get the ok to 1)send someone out to let me in (owner works 40 minutes away), 2) give me the combination to the lock box. I called the realtor's and told them my dilemma. She didn't even hesitate, and after verifying who lived there, GAVE ME THE COMBINATION!!!!! Dead serious. I did have to wait in between for her to take a few calls. I am hoping one of the calls was to verify that I was indeed SUPPOSE to be getting into her home.
I finally finished Day 2 with 1 bathroom break and no food again...at 5 PM.
I came home to sick children and a sick self, and very little sleep last night. I am very thankful that the job is done, my vacuum is paid for, and my husband is coming home early to take care of us all.
And by the way, $200 wasn't enough.
Good day!!!
I got to the job at 7:30 AM. Great!! Early start, early finish. I hauled my one million and ten cleaning supplies in, dreading the 9 blinds still awaiting me. I started on the hallway blind, going over each slat one by one with a wet paper towel-TEDIOUS!!! I decided at that point I was going to ATTEMPT to clean the kitchen blind, which was smaller, in the bathtub, like everything suggests you do(This is why people only charge $29 for a houseful of mini blinds, I will assume). MESS, MESS, MESS....and in my opinion, it didn't clean so hot either. Nowhere near as good as my painstaking slat by slat routine that was slowly killing all muscles and joints in my arms.
I took a break and started back on the master shower that I hadn't been able to finish the day before, as I had run out of a certain cleaning supply. QUICK TIP: for an exceptionally scummy shower use Lysol Deep Reach or lime and rust toilet bowl cleaner. Squeeze on, use a scrub brush to lightly work it in, then let sit 20 minutes. When you go over it with a rag it comes off like a charm.
Back to work on the blinds, I decide to take the dining room blind DOWN to clean it on the floor. Great, it only took 30 minutes versus 1 hour. Climb my ladder to put it back up. As it snaps back into the runner the bottom swings out and I look down as in slow motion this beautiful blue wine glass starts teetering. I held my breath as I moved towards it, praying I would catch it in time. Just as it looked like all would end well, with a final second, it shattered.
I did the professional thing and called the homeowner. At this point I was somewhat unprofessional as I was close to tears and trying to fight them back. I offered to pay for it and she insisted that no, I didn't need to as she has broken one already and they had them for 8 years. I felt HORRIBLE. Mind you, this is after yesterday where I needed to call her and let her know that her toilet seat somehow snapped off in my hand. (She had forgotten to tell me it was broken.)
Fast forward to 3:30 PM. I am rushing, trying to get everything accomplished by 5 PM. Ran out to the car to get my mop bucket, checking to make sure the door wasn't locked behind me. Apparently I pulled it shut from habit, and apparently it is one of the doors that even though it is locked from the outside you can still go out it...you just can't get back IN it.
Lovely....just lovely. I was wearing bummy clothes because I didn't intend to see anyone and was working with bleach. Like, clothes NO ONE sees me in....EVER. My hair was a mess all over the place, and, even worse, I was SHOELESS. I was ready to mop the floor so I took my shoes off a few minutes earlier. I ran around the house, looking for an unlocked window. The ground was SOPPING wet from the nice weather(read 40 degrees) we have had the last few days. Of course!!! No unlocked windows. I locked them as I cleaned them. GENIUS!!!
My last ditch effort was to run to the neighbor's house. My phone, keys, EVERYTHING, was inside and I had no way to contact the owner at this point. Of course, they don't know their neighbors so I called my husband to see if he could help me brainstorm....oh, out of the store for 15 minutes.
Well, I spied the realty sign in the homeowner's yard with a phone number on it. That's right, there is a lock box on the door!!! Decided maybe I could call them, they could call the owner and get the ok to 1)send someone out to let me in (owner works 40 minutes away), 2) give me the combination to the lock box. I called the realtor's and told them my dilemma. She didn't even hesitate, and after verifying who lived there, GAVE ME THE COMBINATION!!!!! Dead serious. I did have to wait in between for her to take a few calls. I am hoping one of the calls was to verify that I was indeed SUPPOSE to be getting into her home.
I finally finished Day 2 with 1 bathroom break and no food again...at 5 PM.
I came home to sick children and a sick self, and very little sleep last night. I am very thankful that the job is done, my vacuum is paid for, and my husband is coming home early to take care of us all.
And by the way, $200 wasn't enough.
Good day!!!
Sunday, January 3, 2010
New Year's Resolutions
I have never been a real fan. I have composed my LISTS throughout the years, but I never got the point. I mean, you screw up your PLAN all year long, then beat yourself up over it, then make a new one, and the vicious cycle starts all over. There is sooo much more to life then that....at least I think so. I prefer to set goals through out the year, rest them, revamp them into more realistic ones, and not discourage myself with my many failures.
I prefer to set new goals every day, week, month. So much in life changes day by day that it just doesn't seem realistic to set a goal at the beginning of the year and expect to make it happen...or...this mommy brain to REMEMBER it.
So this year I have 2 goals. One, to remember each day is just a stepping stone and to continually challenge myself to grow closer to God and my family. Two, to save all my receipts of what I get with grocery money, and every month or so re-evaluate what the grocery budget is buying and where it is going.
I think I can handle that. The rest of it? I will take one day at a time and work on things as they come along. I refuse to set myself up for failure and then, at the end of the year, see how miserable I did.
Have a wonderful and Happy New Year, and whatever YOUR resolutions....I hope you meet them.
I prefer to set new goals every day, week, month. So much in life changes day by day that it just doesn't seem realistic to set a goal at the beginning of the year and expect to make it happen...or...this mommy brain to REMEMBER it.
So this year I have 2 goals. One, to remember each day is just a stepping stone and to continually challenge myself to grow closer to God and my family. Two, to save all my receipts of what I get with grocery money, and every month or so re-evaluate what the grocery budget is buying and where it is going.
I think I can handle that. The rest of it? I will take one day at a time and work on things as they come along. I refuse to set myself up for failure and then, at the end of the year, see how miserable I did.
Have a wonderful and Happy New Year, and whatever YOUR resolutions....I hope you meet them.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)