They say behind every cloud there is the sun or a rainbow, or something like that. Well, I have a thundercloud, and behind it is one of the most beautiful rainbows. Some of you know my cloud, some may not, but July 13, 2006, it was final. The surprise pregnancy we were so excited about was officially over 9.5 weeks after it began. It is a story over 1/4 the women in the world share with me - some in silent pain and others boldly wear it.
I chose to wear it - not boldly, but out loud. There are so many women hurting from the loss of a baby, whether from pregnancy, stillborn, or an infant, and somehow, many feel so trivialized. It isn't like we even knew these little ones, heard these little ones, some have never held them, and some have held them for a few short days or months. We don't have years of memories to hurt from. Years of beautiful memories. And that, is sometimes why we hurt so much. The dreams have no fulfillment. The arms ache from that body they never held, and ears search for that sound they will never hear. There will be no first step, first word, first day of school, no teenager, no wedding, no "only grand-babies this child could have".
Instead, each year passes silently by, often too silently for those who are recognized by no one. Mothers cry in a room alone, wishing that their baby got told Happy Birthday or remembered in some little way.
This is my cloud, and behind it, the most beautiful rainbow.
My rainbow starts when I met Lynsey and Cori on Baby Zone. Both had just delivered their precious sleeping babies. They have both become life friends, I believe, as we walked through loss, remembering, starting over, and now, all 3 of us have 2.5 year old children. Because of starting this journey at Baby Zone there are other women I met - at least 10 that I consider my friends-a few are Alisa, Cathy, Tracey, Mary, Sara, Kim, Sarah - and countless others who are in my life in some way or another. We all come from different walks, some have lost and others not, but they are part of that beautiful rainbow. The rainbow gets bigger when I think of my thread of friends on Baby Center. I went there for one thing, these friends, my sisters - Becky, Shannon, Tricia, Janet, Alisha, Brandi and Kari.
When I was laying in Room #14, in our local emergency room, I remember vividly a conversation I had with God. I know, some of you think I am crazy. I still get "wow" remembering it. "I looked at the ceiling, not expecting an answer, and said, "God, I trust you that my baby will be ok." He replied, "That isn't trust. Trust is believing that everything will be OK no matter what happens." I remember hesitating and thinking that if I actually said I trusted Him no matter what, I would be admitting it was possible that I was losing my baby. Finally, I said, "God, I trust You no matter what." His reply was, "Everything will be ok."
I remembered those words as the Dr. told me "this is not a viable pregnancy." Those words are horrible words. Ones that shouldn't exist. They are so cold and harsh.I was numb, I was devastated, but I still had this peace through it all, knowing that it would be ok.
My days still have some clouds but I am alright, and it makes me smile to know that, even with this cloud, there is a beautiful rainbow on the other side of it. I love you all so much. Each of you have touched my heart in your own special way.
This time, and this day is for Angel Hope, my forever baby. You are the reason we have Rohanna Elizabeth, and the reason for her name Rohanna (To know wisdom) and Elizabeth (God's promise). The amazing thing is, we had always planned to use Elizabeth for a middle name(I had anyway) never knowing its meaning. Rohanna however, was specially pulled together from the Hebrew language for our daughter.
