I know some people likely thought I was crazy, taking a 5 hour train ride to NYC to meet AND share a hotel room, with people I had never met in real life. Maybe if it wasn't myself, but a close friend doing so, I possibly would have thought the same thing. I worked pretty darn hard the last few months, earning the money for this trip. It was amazing, holding the cash in my hand to go on this trip, knowing I hadn't cheated my family out of something by going. I know that may only make sense to me but that's ok.
Thanks to my family for not telling me I was insane. We all have pretty big mouths and generally no one is afraid to tell the other if they are making a horrible mistake. I fully expected trepidation and doom to escape their mouths but it didn't. You see, I knew I wasn't making a mistake. In fact, it was one of the best things that has happened in a long time. As you read this, you may sometimes wonder how I can say it was so great. I warn you, I am pouring my heart out and being quite transparent. This will be long because this is something I need to do for me.
I was going to meet someone who I owe so much to and could never possible repay, some one who I met in one of the darkest moments of my life, and then proceeded to walk with her through one of my brightest moments, someone who teaches me constantly that a soft answer DOES turn away anger, someone whose political and religious views tend to be quite opposite mine, but in all reality, I see a lot of myself in her, and to meet other women who were icing on the cake.
My sister asked me if I was nervous the day before I left. I asked her what I was suppose to be nervous about. I seriously had no clue. I wasn't nervous until the evening before. Thoughts of, will I be good enough, will they like me in person, will I be comfortable around these "strangers"?
My trip went incredibly smooth, shorter then planned, even though I started an hour late due to the fact that the credit card we pulled out for this expedition(safety with less cash, and not wanting to risk our bank card being stolen), hadn't been used in well over a year, and my over-cautious self that checked and re-checked the expiration date failed to see the card had expired 11 months ago. It's 2010??? For real??? Thanks to my brother and my dad going out of their way and bringing me money, I had enough for my trip. They were even nicer then usual, not pointing out my stupidity, and my brother bought me Starbucks!
At train station #5 I anxiously waited for Alisa to pick me up. ACK!! What was I doing? Would this be awkward? Nope, when she pulled up I couldn't help but smile, she was exactly like I pictured, and we started talking almost immediately. We got to the hotel where I met Cori, the "girl" I have known through the worst moments of our lives, and now some of the best. I know, some of you are saying "Thank God she wasn't an ax murderer" lol.
That evening we met more lovely women as they arrived. We had fun over pizza and cannoli. We stayed up way too late but went to bed happy to have spent time together.
The next day we hung out and met another women who arrived from California, with her kids - brave woman doing the red-eye with 3 little ones. Then Alisa and I went to pick up the sweetest ray of sunshine - Mary, and her daughter.(This woman also happens to make the most amazing hats.)
It was great getting to know Alisa better on the way there and both of them on the way back. In the evening we went out for Chinese food, which is where the learning lessons start. It was quite humbling to have someone else take the bill for the whole group yet again. I hated that I couldn't do the same thing. My pride is one of my weaknesses:(. That started the whole train of what comes next.
We got back to the hotel later that evening, with even more cannoli AND cheesecake ahead of us. I had handled cannoli well the night before and these ones were smaller so I had 2 delicious authentic cannoli and an itty bitty slice of cheesecake, way too late at night. I fell asleep around midnight but woke up an hour later, sicker then you want to know.
I spent the rest of the night in the bathroom, so sick, and at that point, just wanting to be home. The next morning I had to make the decision to head home early, fore-going the trip to NYC with everyone. One of the things I anticipated most. My insecurity assumed that no one would want me around, that they would be more worried that I actually had a virus rather then the fact that my food had simply not agreed with me. Well, Cori was really sweet and hurried to get all ready and took me to the station. I felt better right away(isn't that how it always is??)
When I got to Penn I grabbed a bagel and after that stayed down without a queasy stomach, I decided to meet up with everyone when they got to the city. Well, I had an hour and a half before they would be there and way too much time to think. I really started doubting whether they really wanted me there, whether I was fun enough, etc. Were they talking about how they didn't want me to stay because they were afraid I had a virus and would get them sick? Add to that the lack of sleep, and I was a mess.
Then, if you have never been to NY Penn station.....it is horrible. There is nowhere to sit unless you have a ticket and are waiting for the train, so I found a spot to sit in against the wall in the corrider, like other people were. I shoved my purse behind me so no one could see it and sat on my back pack. Some guy came over and asked me for $.50. I just shook my head and said sorry. He tried peering behind me, so apparently he knew I had my purse back there. Thankfully he went off without a fight. I am a people watcher by nature so it was interesting sitting there. It was also scary. I watched all these people walking through, their eyes darting as they looked for a victim. No, I am not making assumptions or stereotypes. I saw and heard many people muttering crazy things to themselves, many of them most likely were homeless, and many of them not completely coherent, whether drunk or crazy, I don't know. It made me sad.
A couple that I will presume was homeless decided to make their seat next to me. I noticed he walked off and came back with a beer. Well, a little later I saw him meander across the corrider again, and this time I noticed that the Taco Bell stand had already stocked their end cap with ice, soda, and beer. Don't ask me why they can sell beer when there are signs all over NY Penn that you can't drink beer in the station. And don't ask me why there was no one there to WATCH their products so they didn't grow legs. Well, after beer number 2, this couple decided to move locations, They had eyed me a few times before that and I realized after they saw that I had noticed his new "freebie" is when they decided to head on out. Don't judge me for not saying anything to them. I suffered a little guilt over it but there was no one at Taco Bell to mention it to and it definitely would have been dangerous to confront this man. He was quite obviously a little dangerous looking.
No sooner did they leave then this crazy lady walked up. She started yelling horrible things throughout the station then proceeded to mutter my way. She said "I hope you know sign language b****. You know why? Because I am going to punch a hole in your face, and when I am done with you, you will never talk again." I was in a bad spot. I was sitting on my back pack, purse behind me, watching her out of the corner of my eye. When she turned around and started ranting to the rest of the station again, I moved position and grabbed my things. She turned again and repeated what she had said to me before. A station employee walked by and said "Ignore her." I kind of nervously laughed and said, "Oh trust me, I am." Again, she turned to the rest of the corrider, ranting. I stood as fast as I could and walked off - SCARED OUT OF MY MIND!!!!
With all the thoughts that had been running through my mind, and finally this last "threat", I had had enough. Close to tears I called Alisa and said I was headed home. I was so sad, so tired, and I just couldn't take 45 more minutes in the station. I fought tears as I went down the elevator to a train 15 minutes later and started my journey home.
It went smoothly and my husband drove into the city to keep me from having to wait for an hour in the Philadelphia Station until I could catch the last 25 minute leg home. I was so grateful.
I met some amazing women. I am so thankful to have them in my life. They come from every part of the Unites States, every religion, every walk of life, and every political view, yet our friendship is the glue that helps us see past the differences to the "alike-ness". I learned that the insecurities I thought I had put behind me are still there, looming, and that I will always have to deal with them. And this time, instead of trying to hide my flaws from my friends, I am going to be open. This is who I am and the mask isn't going to hide that.
Thank you ladies for all you have done for me. I could never re-pay you, but hope you know that no matter what, I am here to offer what I can - an ear, a hug, and friendship.
