Losing the Invisible (Miscarriage mentioned)

I read of an older woman once who had lost a baby just a short time into her pregnancy over 20 years before. Her words will always stay with me. Paraphrasing her - "Don't be afraid you will ever forget. You will be old and gray and will always remember the special baby who never made it. You won't always have the same gut wrenching pain that you do today but each year the memory and emotions will change. Twenty years from now you will still have the pain but the freshness will be duller, the pain will change. That baby will still be your baby though, will always be your baby. No one can take that away from you."

At the time, I tried to picture the pain being just a little else. I couldn't imagine how that could be but it's true. Five years later the pain isn't the same. Occasionally I get flashbacks to just how dark those days were and I see how far I have come. When I was in the moment I just coped and got by. I didn't see the just how dark it was. Looking back though I can. It scares me that I've been there.

I lost a lot of friends. When you are in that place you just want your "normal friends" to understand, to be what you need. The problem is they can't. They generally feel pretty helpless and in trying to help, to put it bluntly, make it worse. I feel for friends who were exposed to me in those days. I don't remember much of what I said or other people said but I remember some things and I remember some horribly awkward moments. I also remember some long time friends who I lost through it. Like it wasn't enough to lose my baby, live far from anyone I knew, I lost my friends. I can't lay the blame. Well, one or two I can but others -they didn't know what to say or do. I can't blame them. At 16 a best friend told me she had a miscarriage and I lost her then because I didn't know what to say so I said something stupid. We never got to speak again and I never got to tell her how sorry I was that I didn't know the words to say.

Maybe you are one of those women who suffer in silence, not knowing what to say. Maybe you are one who doesn't WANT to say what you have been through. It's ok. We each grieve differently, we each remember in our own way.

Now, no matter who you are we have a day specifically set to remember those who left before they came, came silently into the world, or left us with only a few memories. October 15, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day is set to make it just a little less taboo.

I truly believe that if women stop being afraid to talk about "it" we can change the way our friends think. We can change the way the world thinks of loss. 1 in 4 women suffer from a miscarriage. This does not factor in later term losses, stillbirth, infant loss, young child loss. IT FACTORS NONE OF THAT. OVER 1 in 4 women suffer a traumatic loss and many of them don't know what to say. How do you tell a stranger who comments on your 3 beautiful children that life isn't fair and they should be commenting on 4? You don't. Instead you silently feel torn that you have one who can't be recognized.

They say everything happens for a reason. I firmly believe that. Do I know why? No, I don't but someday maybe I will. Someday I can't wait to meet my precious little one that the average person on the street knows nothing about.

Next time you hear of someone who lost a pregnancy or infant, here's what you can do: take them a meal, send them a thinking of you card, offer to be there if they need you. Give them something to recognize their loss.

DO NOT: say "Everything happens for a reason", "I know they are better off", or "time will heal your pain". They hear it enough. Don't give them flowers. The worst reminder of their loss is when those flowers die and they have to throw them away. The places that can take a mind, you don't want to know. Don't be silent and pretend they don't exist.

All around the world today at 7 PM people will be lighting their candles in memory and honor of the little lives that are gone just like a candle's flame - one little breath. My prayer is that all the mommies and daddies suffering will feel the love and peace I ask for them.